My plan, Gods plan and everything in between.

A Snow Storm, a Control Freak and a GOD Who Will never stop interrupting MY plan so that I can be part of HIS.

Have you ever been in the middle of something really important and the phone rings, the child cries, the washer stops running? Have you ever wanted to throw that phone out the window, get frustrated with the child or loose it over laundry? No???? me either 😉

But seriously, When I want to get something done and someone or something gets in my way, I am not always pretty about it. But as I get older and look back over the years, more times than I can count, it was the INTERUPTION that was the point. It was the thing that happed when I was trying to do that other thing that God used to change everything.

Let me share just a few.

And that story begins in an airport in Chicago over forty years ago.

Well actually it begins in 1968 in a nursing school dorm when my mom picked up a phone call that interrupted her studying and impulsively agreed to go on a blind date with a guy who was calling for someone else. They have been married over 50 years.

But I digress…back to 1978, Airport, Chicago, snowstorm

The airport was crowded with tired, cranky people. The snow had been falling steadily for a day and many had been there for over 24 hours.  It was 1978 and my father could not help but notice a group of people with diaper bags but no babies.  Curiosity and boredom finally got the best of him and, as he talked to these families, he found out that they were waiting for their newly adopted children to arrive from Korea.  As one day became two, my dad made lifelong friends.  He took “gotcha day” pictures for all the families when their children finally arrived, and came home determined to adopt a little boy from Korea.

The moment my brother was carried off that plane and delivered into my family’s arms, I knew I was going to adopt a child one day.  I was ten.  Twenty years and three biological children later my husband Paul was not so sure.  When my youngest turned three I started reminding him that I wanted to adopt.  After about six months of not getting very far, I stopped bugging him and started praying that God would get him to do what I wanted.  I even got our three kids praying.  It sounded super spiritual, it wasn’t, It was manipulative and controlling.  

As a semi recovering control freak (there should really be a 12 step program) I figured if I just prayed long enough and hard enough I could convince God how my plan was, of course, the best plan and the sooner HE got Paul on board the better off we would all be….

Two years later…in the summer of 2003, Paul’s read an article by Steven Curtis Chapman that convinced Paul to adopt. Of course, I thought it was all my prayers that did it 🙂 As we started the long “paper pregnancy” that goes along with adopting a child from China, I quickly found out that little goes as you expect it to.  At every bump in the road, I fretted and worried.  I tried to control every part of the process, which was impossible.  I worried myself half to death over things that I had no control over.  The entire process was one of letting go and trusting God, and, even though He always showed Himself faithful, I still wrestled for control.

Trying to control every penny spent added to my anxiety.  We really could not afford to adopt internationally.  Even now, as I look back, I have no idea how God did it!  There were more miracles than I can remember.  I will always be thankful for all those who gave to us sacrificially during this journey!  Our oldest three children went without lessons, vacations and new clothes for three years.  There were always hand-me-downs that were just the right size and style. We learned all the fun things to do close to home, I learned how to make home-made bread and shop for clearance meats at the grocery store.  Old cars kept running and, when they didn’t, friends fixed them for us.  God always provided, and yet I still worried, all the time, about everything.  When Emma was finally placed in my arms on March 28th 2005, we were all emotionally, physically and financially spent.  A second adoption was the last thing on our minds….

Over the next four years God continued to teach me to let go.  Each time I fretted and grabbed for control, He showed me that HE could be trusted.  Raising a child who has medical issues and spent her first 17 months in an orphanage, and three teenagers gave me lots of opportunities to practice letting go of control!  But nothing prepared me for what  happened in the summer of 2008. Now, before I go on I just want you to know that I get how crazy this sounds, but it happened and its part of the story, so deal.

I started dreaming about a little girl whose arms did not work right.  I was pretty sure that God was telling me to adopt again, but  I was much slower to think that I had all the answers now.  I knew that if the dream was truly from God that HE would tell Paul same thing he told me.  I went to Paul, told him about my dream and asked him to please pray that God would either take away my dreams or tell Paul it was time to adopt again.  God surprised us both that day.  Paul heard  “I want you to adopt one more time.”

Now before I go on and you are tempted to think we have it all figured out, I need to share that our marriage was STRUGGLING. We were in counseling that was not working, we were hurting each other all the time with our personality and parenting differences, we were not on the same page about what church to go to, how to school the kids or how in the world we would fund raise for another adoption. In all honesty we still struggle, we love each other dearly but we are so very different that our marriage is a constant learning curve and conduit for spiritual growth.

any hoooo

A couple of months into our second paper pregnancy I was looking at the “waiting child” list on our adoption agency’s website and I saw a little girl named Anan whose arms looked just like the girl in my dream. I showed Paul and told him this is what our daughter’s arms were going to look like.  I also told him that it could not be this little girl because she was almost nine years old, way too old for us to adopt.  My plan was to adopt a little girl younger than Emma.  Eight months later, when our paperwork was done, Anan was still waiting for a family.  One night after Paul and I had been looking at her picture once again, he looked at me and said, “If we don’t adopt her, I don’t think anyone is going to.”  She was now nine and we knew she was ours.  I think Paul always knew; it just took me a while to give up my plan so that I could see HIS plan.

In the summer of 2010, two weeks before her 10th birthday, Lily Anan became a Ferrell, but ten years is a long time to live without a family.  We have missed way too many birthdays and Christmases.  Her first Christmas with us was the hardest.  As we decorated the tree, all the other kids took out the ornaments that they had collected over the years and began hanging them on the tree, and Lily became very sad. My plan for decorating the tree was interrupted. Thankfully by now I had learned that the good stuff is often held in the interruption. I was tempted to show her the ornaments she DID have, the ones I had got for her in china, the picture ornament that i made from an orphanage picture when she was around 5, but she knew, she saw all she had missed; she grieved all she would never get back. And at that moment what she needed was a safe place to grieve.

That Christmas my mom gave her a tin with 10 ornaments in it; each one had a card with a year on it for each year she had missed. (really wish I had thought of this but then again a gift from grandma is always extra special) As we decorated the tree each year I am reminded to listen to my children’s  (and my grand children’s)  hearts rather than to try to fix them. 

I still grasp for control now and again, but when I catch myself I am reminded that God has a better plan than I do. Which I know sounds like a platitude, but honesty it is what keeps me from grasping desperately at control. It is how I can rest in His grace. 

My prayer for you dear friend is that you will be interrupted.

That you will be surprised by His grace and mercy,

That you will find the peace that comes with a life placed completely in the Fathers hands.

That you will live in the joy that comes with knowing that you are loved beyond compare. 

Blessings to you dear friends

ENOUGH

I have found myself asking the question “am I enough” I lot lately.

was I enough for my kids?

Do I work enough?

Do I do enough ministry?

Do I cook healthy enough meals?

Do I save enough money?

Do  I make my kids read enough?

Am I good enough?

Do you ever ask that question? do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try or how much you give up or how much time you give to others…. somehow it is never ENOUGH?!?!

If not, you can stop reading, and can I get your phone number?

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My son got married last weekend. And I cried for weeks leading up to it! The entire time he was growing up I felt SO NOT ENOUGH! I never felt like I was a good mom. I felt like a miserable failure most days. We fought all the time, he made choices that scared me to death….but he also made some great choices. He is an elementary school teacher now, He has a wife that he loves very well, he has made his own path to faith in Jesus and I really like him.

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I promise you I never felt like I was ENOUGH when he was growing up. But that led me to my knees. those mother prayers in the middle of the night, those anguished cries for my child, they were answered. All I did was stick in there, kept pursuing relationship with him, kept on believing in him even when he made stupid choices. I never stopped praying…and that has made all the difference.

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the vs. I prayed over Luke every day,

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I was right, I was not enough,

I AM NOT ENOUGH…but I know who is.

Us moms in the middle can be so very hard on ourselves! we look back and wish we had done things better, we long for a “do over”.  Can we just give ourselves a break!

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when we long for these days….but we are in

these days

Can we just ENJOY our children? Can we stop wishing for days gone by and start enjoying the days that are here? transition is so hard and letting go is even harder, I know, I’m right there with you! BUT I’m afraid we are missing the joys of today because of our regrets of yesterday.

WE MADE MISTAKES…CAN WE JUST GET OVER IT!

We miss those little faces that looked up to us as if we hung the moon. We long for little arms around our necks and kisses on our cheeks.. we must grieve those days…and theN we must move on so that we can enjoy today!

Our identity is not in who we raise. Our identity in is Christ. I have found that this stage of life has made me focus more and more on Jesus and on the identity HE has given me. I have time now to sit at HIS feet without little ones always under foot.

I think God wants us to know that its OK to not be enough…that HE is ENOUGH...AND THAT IS ENOUGH.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

embracing the role of beginner at 53

Being part of a supportive and fun team has made me better in every way!

Being new at something when you are my age is such a humbling thing. Learning to ask for help from people much younger than me but much more experienced than I am has opened me up to being willing to learn in EVERY part of me life.

My experience as a mom, wife, mentor, caretaker, organizer, home renovator all all valuable to others who are not as far along on their journey as I, but there is always room to grow and become better.

I have enlisted a spiritual director, a mentor and a counselor to walk with me to help me to see things, that on my own, I am unable to see.

Imperfection is hard for me, this picture of all of us is the best we could do in the moment. I really want it to be better, but I also really want to appreciate that we are all ALL in it.

I find it hard to hold the value of the knowledge that I have and the need to grow and learn in the same hand.

like a teetertotter my default is to stay on one side of that coin or the other. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

Often life is about finding that tricky balance.

The same is true when deciding whether or not to buy or sell a house!

so many questions…

when? where? how?

Do you pay rent for 2 more years and hope interest rates go down? Do you sell a home you have outgrown? move to that different neighborhood? make where you are work?

These are all really hard choices and having an advocate and counselor to help you see every side of a decision is invaluable.

I would love to be that for you.

 

 

Your story matters!

This morning I read a very short story by Corrie Ten Boom, less than 150 words, And it challenged me. It reminded me of what I knew but had forgotten. Stories can do that can’t they? Jesus taught so many of His most important lessons with story. Can you imagine if He had just said “your neighbor is EVERYONE stupid!” instead of sharing the stories of the lost lamb, coin and son (Luke 15)? I wonder if David would have been as repentant if Nathan had just said “I can not believe how selfish you are! you should be ashamed of yourself” instead of sharing the story of the pet lamb (2nd Samuel 12)? stories change us. A great story can alter the course of a life.

Corrie’s story (I know you want to know!) tells of a time when she had 2 days before she had to leave the YMCA housing she was living in, she had no money and knew no one in America yet. She told the director that she knew God had a place for her, He just had not told her yet. The director then handed her a letter that she had overlooked earlier. It was an invitation to stay in an extra room sent by a woman who had heard her speak but that she had never met.

Her unwavering trust in God cuts me to the core! I so want to have a 5 year plan, she did not have a 5 DAY plan! I want to trust HIM like that don’t you? The problem is that none of us want to go the the school in which that kind of trust is taught, I know I didn’t! I went kicking and screaming like a scared child on the first day of kindergarten! most of us do not enroll willingly. If you find yourself there against your will today let me encourage you to trust Him to make a way where you can not see a way.

I have found that the hardest part of this is to be willing to follow the path that HE has cleared rather than the path that I have planned.

If you had told me 5 years ago that my kids would be going to public school, that my best friend would live in the same town, that I would be fired from a ministry that I had been a part of for almost 30 years, that we would have moved twice, that I would live in a home just yards from my favorite spot in Ohio and that we would be attending a church where my daughter and her husband are both on staff…. I would not have believed you for one second!

And yet all are true. You would think that after all that I would stop trying to predict and prepare for a future of my own design….you would think! And yet here I am again begging God to shine a huge spotlight over the next ten years instead of trusting the lamp at my feet, the lamp that shines in today’s step and no further. trusting HIS plan over my own.

Maybe you are there too?

And maybe if I share some of the stories of how HE has taken care of me and my family over the years it will encourage you and give you hope.

So in that spirit, and for that reason only, I share these with you…..

We are remodeling our kitchen on a very tiny budget. do it yourself style 🙂 I am trying to reuse what I have and use natural materials as much as possible. One high cost item is a copper sink. I REALLY wanted a copper sink but it was WAY out of our budget. As I began to look at other options I felt a nudge to pray for a copper sink for the same price as a normal sink. 5 days later I was at a resale building supply store looking for a garden window (still praying for that:-)) and saw a copper sink, it was marked $100 over my set amount. I asked the person there if they would take $100 less for it, they did!

We painted our house this summer, It took 15 gallons of paint and a large scaffolding I was really struggling to land on a color. What if we hated it once it was done! I asked God to help me pick a color. When I went to Lowes the next morning there were ten gallons of a dark green exterior paint on clearance. I had never thought of using green but the cheapskate in me could not resist the $25 for 10 gallons price tag. We LOVE the color. It is a better color than I could have ever picked on my own. And I friend loaned us the scaffolding which would have cost a LOT to rent.

Last year in Hobby Lobby I decided that I really NEEDED a $400 12 foot Christmas tree. It was such a silly want that I laughed at myself and said “well God if you want me to have a 12 foot tree you will have to provide it” I REALLY did not put much prayer or thought into it, no one NEEDS a 12 foot tree 🙂 But, and I still am shaking my head at this one, the next morning a 12 foot tree was on my facebook feed on a local garage sale site, it was less than 2 miles away and only $40.

a sofa I prayed for showed up in our garage days later

a friend offered their time share days after I complained to God that there was no way we could afford a vacation for the 7 of us.

2 pair of shoes for a teenage boy, the exact size and style he wanted for $10 at savers hours after telling him he would have to wear his old ones.

finding a flattering dress for my sons wedding on clearance just hours after crying because I hated how I looked in everything I had tried on.

God calls us to remember, HE often had HIS people build memorials to remind them to share the story of all HE had done for them. Because when we are reminded of all he has done for us it is so much easier to trust him with an uncertain future. To trust HIM to provide and to learn to trust HIM when He does not.

When we hold things loosely we give Him room to bless us in ways that only He can do and in ways we can not even imagine!

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

When God moves in

When we moved into our dream home on the river we knew that it needed work. We were fully prepared to Work hard at Making her beautiful.

We live among the process every day. Some days the kitchen cupboards had no doors and others the deck had no railing. Often We have had to turn our rec room into a project Room and walk around ladders and drop cloths in almost EVERY room of our home.

We knew that we needed new gutters on our roof. When the project began we hired experts because parts of our roof are 40 ft off the ground. We knew there was some rotten wood on the eaves and that a family of squirrels had found their way in. What we were NOT prepared for was that the FOUNDATION of the roof had rotted away. Water and rot had slowly made it’s way in where no one could see. As the layers of foam insulation came off it exposed the rotting sub layer, when that was removed it exposed the rotting joists. It was not until the layers were removed that the rot underneath was exposed. And it was not until the rotting joists were replaced by new strong wood that the sheeting could be replaced and it was not until that was replaced that the new foam could go on and it was not until that was done that the rubber sheeting could go up and THEN the gutters can go up so that the rain can be directed in a way as to not destroy the foundation of our home.

When God moves into our hearts he is prepared to rebuild the foundation, not add a coat of paint.

HE loves us to much to do that!

we want him to add a coat of paint and a granite countertop to our lives and call it a day…. But HE sees what we do not And letting him have total access to our lives is the only way that HE can do the work that only he can do. It is so often way more painful than we thought it would be, But he is To kind to leave us where we are! He loves us enough to get into the rot and replace it with his strength and love.

HOPE

bring hope….. bring help

To make lemonade out of lemons you have to have sugar!

CHRISTIANS lets be the sugar!

Now is the time to be our best selves.

Lets be the ones who thank the cashier who is scared to death but is still coming to work and smiling under that mask anyway!

Workers who interact with the public must wear masks in Oakland ...

Call someone who is lonely and listen….for hours if needed.

Lets be the ones who wear masks to protect others, who don’t take more than we need, support the food banks, give to those who are struggling, play games with our kids, encourage our spouses, make soup and give it to our neighbors, support local businesses, encourage our medical workers, send care packages….etc!

Lets ask for help when we need it!

Lets be the ones who move to the other side of the path.

Make masks or buy masks to support a good cause.

Babysit for parents who have to work.

Lets window visit the sick and high risk.

DO NOT COMMENT OF ANY FB POSTS ABOUT COVID19….EVER…JUST DON’T

Be cautious but not fearful

BE KIND! BE KIND! BE KIND!

Lets try to remember that we have NO IDEA what others are going through so lets respect different opinions and BE OUR BEST SELVES!

Lets keep our circles small and tight.

send flowers…be funny…laugh…SMILE!

Lets spread HOPE because we know the author of HOPE

Lets spread JOY because we know the bringer of JOY

If you have to stay in to stay safe PLEASE pray, your prayers BRING THE WATER!

Image may contain: 19 people, including Luke Ferrell, Emma Mei, Madey Ferrell, Jennifer Shutt Bowie, Michael Shutt, Adam Sorge, Cyndi Ferrell, Paul Ferrell, Abigail Tillman and Lily Ferrell, people smiling
two in front praying for all of us and staying IN!

We have an incredible opportunity to be Jesus with skin on right now, The entire world is in need of helpers and hope and joy

LETS BRING IT!

This world is handing out billions of lemons, lets bring the sugar!

Homemade Lemonade Recipe With Variations

HOPE WINS

Screenshot_20200326-163343_InstagramWhen we come out on the other end of this all of us will have lost something. Many of us will lose someone. How we grieve is going to make all the difference. How we grieve will determine who we become on the other side of this. Many of us will be tempted to stay stuck in blame and anger. It is comfortable, protective, others focused. Anger protects our most tender parts…and it blocks our very best parts. This virus will have won if we let ourselves get stuck here.

Some of us will chose to turn from anger and move on with a smile, We will move on with out skipping a beat. We will find the silver lining and focus on what we are thankful for. Others will look at us and wish they could move on as well as we did. But this will not, can not, last. Unexpressed grief has a bad habit of sneaking out the cracks.

Some of us will let the grief move in. We will spend days in bed, watching the world move on around us but unable, unwilling to join it. We may have lost a lot and our lives will never look the same. we are temped to give up, to give into the darkness and lose hope that there is light on the other side of this.

So how do we grieve with hope? I think it starts with being painfully honest with ourselves and others. I think if we learn how to “name it and claim it” we will all be way better off when we get to the other side of this. If it makes you angry,  figure out what is under that. Are you scared? frustrated? tired?, hungry? lonely? bored? take a honest look at what emotion is running the show and what EVENT is driving that emotion. It is so important to grieve the small losses as well as the big ones. The loss of a sports season, the loss of holding your newborn grand child, the loss of our work friend or job or home or wedding or birthday party or worship service or vacation. I encourage you to grieve ALL the losses. cry over them, be sad, punch a pillow, go on a long walk, journal. We must give ourselves permission and space to feel all the feels. Give your hearts space to hope in a better tomorrow.

 HOPE WINS

 

 

 

 

rooted (in)

Rarely to I find a book that speaks to me like this one has. I can not wait for it to get released on the 26th! If you would like to read it and put it into practice with me I will be leading a prayer group starting sept. 9th.

Rooted (In): Thriving in Connection with God, Yourself, and Others

Rooted (In): Thriving in Connection with God, Yourself, and Others by Susan Carson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I was blessed to receive a pre-release copy of this book and have not been able to stop reading it! I am so looking forward to using to lead a small group in the fall. Susan is honest and funny and raw and real and wise and takes us along with her an a journey to knowing our GOD and thus ourselves in an authentic, transparent way. If you have always longed to hear the voice of GOD but doubted that it was really possible, you will LOVE this bood, The way Susan models life giving practices that lead us to the feet of our savior is a breath of fresh air. This is not a book ABOUT prayer and connection with GOD, it is a guide book TO prayer and connection with GOD. Get your highlighters out and set aside some time to follow her lead. This is one that I will re-read for years to come!



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