For most of my life I believed the lie that it was my responsibility to make everyone close to me happy and successful.
This lie had such a stronghold on my heart that I almost missed this…….
believing this lie led me to put totally unrealistic expectations on myself and others. When those expectations failed to be met I blamed everyone and everything around me because my insecurity could not handle failure. My marriage was the biggest casualty.
I believed that staying married was what was best for my kids, therefor I physically stayed in the marriage. Paul is the type of man who will do the right thing at all costs, He is the most self disciplined and moral man I know. But because my lie needed him to ACT HAPPY and Paul has a very quiet, introverted personality which was often magnified due to complications from type 1 diabetes it was very hard for him to “act happy”. This made me feel rejected and hurt and since I could not “fix” us….
I EMOTIONALLY LEFT THE RELATIONSHIP……FOR YEARS!
Please understand. I had NO idea that this is what I was doing at the time! I thought I was doing all the right things and that this was ALL his fault. My heart breaks for the two young parents in this picture! We both tried SO HARD! and yet we were both at a loss of how to fix things. We DEMANDED things from each other that we were totally unequipped to give.
until 2007….15 YEARS into our marriage.
HE used my friend Lisa to begin to open my eyes to my lie. She came to me one day and said “I want to be your friend, but I need you to love me broken and not make me feel like I am your project” OUCH! bless her heart, I can not imagine the courage it took for her to say that to me and I believe that it was her willingness to listen to the HOLY SPIRIT that began my healing.
a few months later Paul and I had a 5 hour fight that ended in our deciding that we needed time apart. I was trying to get him to open up to me emotionally in a way that he was unable to do so he got defensive, which made me try to fix him, which made him close down which made me feel like a failure, which made me push even harder, which made him even angrier….we were fighting ghosts with no way to win.
it was UGLY and we were DONE.
Neither of us felt we could hurt like this for one more moment.
Neither of us wanted to keep hurting each other!
then the wall began to crumble
then the wall began to crumbleThe next day I was asked to serve in MOPPETS. It was the last thing I wanted to do but my need for approval was so strong that I said yes. When I walked in I saw a book on a table and was drawn to it. I can not explain to you what made me read this book, it was a miraculous act of GOD.
there was a letter from a wife in the book in which a woman was lamenting about all the ways her husband needed to change. She expressed how lonely she felt and how frustrated she was that he was so closed off. As I read it I kept on thinking “I can’t wait to hear what the author tells her to do in order to fix her husband….. this is just like Paul” the first words the author wrote were “you prideful woman, who put YOU in charge of your husband”
like a lightning bolt I saw what I was doing and GOD began the process of teaching me that It is HIS job and NOT mine to “fix” Paul. The first step? give HIM back HIS job and trust HIM with my husband and my heart.
NO WAY
for four long hours I wrestled with HIM
then I heard HIM say something that has changed my life, my marriage, my parenthood and my friendships forever….
DO YOU TRUST ME!
yes, I trust YOU, but I do not trust Paul, not with my naked heart!
DO YOU BELIEVE I CAN PUT YOUR HEART BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, EVEN IF HE CRUSHES IT?
yes, but
NO DEAR CHILD, NO BUTS, DO YOU TRUST ME TO PUT YOUR HEART BACK TOGETHER AGAIN???
Yes, but I’m so scared, I can not hurt like this any longer, I just can not do it.
I KNOW YOU ARE SCARED, BUT I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME, I WILL BIND UP YOUR BROKEN HEART
but I don’t want it to be broken
YES BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING HUMAN,… TO FEEL THE GOOD YOU MUST ALSO BE WILLING TO FEEL THE PAIN.
AND DEAR CHILD, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE’S HEART BUT YOUR OWN…..I AM. PLEASE TAKE THAT BURDEN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS AND PLACE IT BACK ONTO MINE WHERE IT BELONGS.
and then, finally, I did the hardest thing I have ever done, I surrendered my heart.
even as I write these words 11 years later tears stream down my face. the honesty of that moment was so raw, and the effect that it has had on our marriage and my life has been so profound that I can not begin to give it justice.
Please understand, things have not been all rainbows and unicorns since! We struggle like all couples struggle but it no longer has the power to crush me because I know GOD has the power to heal every hurt.
I realize that your thing is probably not my thing, we all wrestle with different lies, but I believe that honesty with our own hearts is the first step on our journey to freedom.
It takes so much courage to begin to be honest with your heart. It took years for me to peel away all the layers….and I am sure there are more to go.
but please believe me when I tell you…
it is SO WORTH THE WORK
if you have time, watch this video this week. It speaks so much truth!
Thank you also for the TED talk. Powerful! Will share.
Cyndi, though I do not have the exact struggles you have had in your marriage, the underlying idols of control and approval are mine, too. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably.
Thank you SOOO much for this. I know it had to be hard. I’m going through a similar situation with my husband. He has life long depression and I have two autoimmune diseases for the last 15 years. That is the perfect storm. I need a lot of extra help but he is a truck driver and not home much. He got so overwhelmed that he “checks out”. There but not REALLY there. Then there is me trying to fix everything, my diseases, his depression, homeschooling, ect. I burned out and got even sicker. But I kept hearing God say walk into the fire, that’s where I am!!! I fought it but it finally blew up. I had to make some extremely hard decisions. I had to let go and just let God do His thing no matter how painful. I put my boys in online public school and face my husband head on with our marriage. I always tried not to say too much because I was afraid of His depression. But I did it. Had a two week long panic attack…lol. But I realize my kids are in God’s hands and my marriage is in God’s hands. No matter how bad or how scary I will always be in God’s hands. That’s all that matters. ♡♡♡
thank you for sharing your story Kellie! We all seem to suffer by ourselves. I hope and pray that our stories will help others feel free to ask for help! love you so much friend!
what a blessing this will be to many young wives, bless you for sharing. I think what you wrote is true for so many…. maybe in different ways, but who doesn’t want to make their husband perfect!!!. Our great God is the God of relationships. It’s His business to mold each of us.
Yes Chris, us woman love to fix! thank you for your kind words! I pray that as I share my story many young woman will be set free from the trap of feeling responsible for everything and live in grace!