Month: January 2018

space for honesty

For most of my life I believed the lie that it was my responsibility to make everyone close to me  happy and successful.

This lie had such a stronghold on my heart that I almost missed this…….

believing this lie led me to put totally unrealistic expectations on myself and others. When those expectations failed to be met I blamed everyone and everything around me because my insecurity could not handle failure. My marriage was the biggest casualty.

I believed that staying married was what was best for my kids, therefor I physically stayed in the marriage. Paul is the type of man who will do the right thing at all costs, He is the most self disciplined and moral man I know. But because my lie needed him to ACT HAPPY and Paul has a very quiet, introverted personality which was often magnified due to complications from type 1 diabetes it was  very hard for him to “act happy”.  This made me feel rejected and hurt and since I  could not “fix” us….

I  EMOTIONALLY LEFT THE RELATIONSHIP……FOR YEARS!

Please understand. I had NO idea that this is what I was doing at the time! I thought I was doing all the right things and that this was ALL his fault.  My heart breaks for the two young parents in this picture! We both tried SO HARD! and yet we were both at a loss of how to fix things. We DEMANDED things from each other that we were totally unequipped to give.

until 2007….15 YEARS into our marriage.

HE used my friend Lisa to begin to open my eyes to my lie. She came to me one day and said “I want to be your friend, but I need you to love me broken and not make me feel like I am your project” OUCH! bless her heart, I can not imagine the courage it took for her to say that to me and I believe that it was her willingness to listen to the HOLY SPIRIT that began my healing.

a few months later Paul and I had a 5 hour fight that ended in our deciding that we needed time apart. I was trying to get him to open up to me emotionally in a way that he was unable to do so he got defensive, which made me try to fix him, which made him close down which made me feel like a failure, which made me push even harder, which made him even angrier….we were fighting ghosts with no way to win.

it was UGLY and we were DONE.

Neither of us felt we could hurt like this for one more moment.

Neither of us wanted to keep hurting each other!then the wall began to crumble

The next day I was asked to serve in MOPPETS. It was the last thing I wanted to do but my need for approval was so strong that I said yes.  When I walked in I saw a book on a table and was drawn to it.  I can not explain to you what made me read this book, it was a miraculous act of GOD.

there was a letter from a wife in the book in which a woman was lamenting  about all the ways her husband needed to change. She expressed how lonely she felt and how frustrated she was that he was so closed off. As I read it I kept on thinking “I can’t wait to hear what the author tells her to do in order to fix her husband….. this is just like Paul” the first words the author wrote were “you prideful woman, who put YOU in charge of your husband”

like a lightning bolt I saw what I was doing and GOD began the process of teaching me that It is HIS job and NOT mine to “fix” Paul. The first step? give HIM back HIS job and trust HIM with my husband and my heart.

NO WAY

for four long hours I wrestled with HIM

then I heard HIM say something that has changed my life, my marriage, my parenthood and my friendships forever….

DO YOU TRUST ME!

yes, I trust YOU, but I do not trust Paul, not with my naked heart!

DO YOU BELIEVE I CAN PUT YOUR HEART BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, EVEN IF HE CRUSHES IT?

yes, but

NO DEAR CHILD, NO BUTS, DO YOU TRUST ME TO PUT YOUR HEART BACK TOGETHER AGAIN???

Yes, but I’m so scared, I can not hurt like this any longer, I just can not do it.

I KNOW YOU ARE SCARED,  BUT I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME, I WILL BIND UP YOUR BROKEN HEART

but I don’t want it to be broken

YES BUT THAT IS PART OF BEING HUMAN,… TO FEEL THE GOOD YOU MUST ALSO BE WILLING TO FEEL THE PAIN.

AND DEAR CHILD, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE’S HEART BUT YOUR OWN…..I AM. PLEASE TAKE THAT BURDEN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS AND PLACE IT BACK ONTO MINE WHERE IT BELONGS.

and  then, finally, I did the hardest thing I have ever done, I surrendered my heart.

even as I write these words 11 years later tears stream down my face. the honesty of that moment was so raw, and the effect that it has had on our marriage and my life has been so profound that I can not begin to give it justice.

Please understand, things have not been all rainbows and unicorns since! We struggle like all  couples struggle but it no longer has the power to crush me because I know GOD has the power to heal every hurt.

I realize that your thing is probably not my thing, we all wrestle with different lies, but I believe that  honesty with our own hearts is the first step on our journey to freedom.

It takes so much courage to begin to be honest with your heart.  It took years for me to peel away all the layers….and I am sure there are more to go.

but please believe me when I tell you…

it is SO WORTH THE WORK

 

if you have time, watch this video this week. It speaks so much truth!

Embracing painful moments

As I look back I can see that having every moment of my life scheduled was one of the main things that kept me from seeing the things in my life that needed healing. I found out that the process of healing required me to

LET MYSELF FEEL THE PAIN OF THE MOMENT

My greatest desire was to love others well, but no matter how hard I tried I failed miserably. I could BEHAVE in a loving manner….for a while, I  would be kind, put others first and  try to not let my emotions rule the day but eventually there would be a kink in my armor….no matter how much I prayed and tried to become better at loving those who were most important to me I always fell WAY short and I felt like a failure.  It was not until I began to identify the lies that I was believing about myself that REAL and lasting change began to happen…..because, as I have since learned

DETERMINING TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR WITHOUT FIRST CHANGING MY HEART ALWAYS SET ME UP FOR FAILURE.

The more I ignored the pain the more overwhelming it became.

 when I was little I got a huge splinter in the palm of my hand. I did not want my mom to remove it because I was afraid of the pain it would cause to take it out, so I hid it from her. I kept my hand curled up, protecting it at all costs. A week later I was in so much pain I could not open my hand. This was over 40 years ago and I can still remember how badly it hurt, and how unhappy my mom was with me!

She kept saying,  with tears in her eyes, “why would you hide this from me! If you had let me take it out in the beginning it would have been so much easier on both of us.  I wish I could take away your pain but I can’t, the only way to make it better is to make it hurt”

Some of us have “splinters”  in our lives that are DECADES old. our skin has formed around them and we have become masters at protecting that area at all costs. this looks different for everyone. we all have our “go to” defense mechanisms…..pride, anger, depression, approval addiction, over achievement, co-dependency, self-protection, substance abuse…..this list is endless.

I have always read 1 cor. 13 as a list of things that I need to strive for in order to love like JESUS. (which is not wrong)

But lately I have been reading it as a description of how HE loves US,

Image result for 1 corinthians 13

I  wonder what would happen if we believed that JESUS loves us this way. Would if make us more willing to trust HIM with all the hurting places in our lives?  I wonder what it would look like if we took the time to open our hearts and let HIM get to work at combating the lies we believe.

This is a little bit of what this 11 year process has looked like for me

In the beginning of this journey I became aware that my need for control was hurting everyone around me, so I began the process of giving that up, that process led me to see that the need for control was fed by my desire for perfection, then I began to see that the reason I wanted everything perfect is because I felt unlovable unless I was wonderful, which was driven by pride so I confessed my pride and began to seek out wisdom on how to be humble, then I saw that the reason I protected myself with a shell of pride was because my heart believed from a very early age that it was my responsibility “fix” everyone and if I couldn’t I had no worth. As I was able to peel back each of these layers the glass wall I had built around myself began to get thinner and thinner.

obviously this will look different for all of us. I will share some of  the details of my story next week but first I want you to have a chance to pray about what YOUR story is. What are the splinters that you need to give GOD time to get out? a hurt from your past, a “no” from GOD that you are not willing to hear, a sin that you have rationalized? A grief you have not let yourself enter into?

Some of you have really big hurts in your past and you are going to need someone to walk through this with you. find someone who has gone through what you are going through and found healing on the other side.  Perhaps you need to find a good christian counselor in your area. Let me encourage you, whatever steps you take to find healing, it will be

SO WORTH IT!

we are complex humans, this is not a one week process. but a lifelong habit of giving our selves SPACE in our schedules to seek out answers to hard questions.

please watch this teaching by a licensed counselor, I believe it’s a perfect set up for next weeks lesson.

 

A space for truth

LIES SPEAK LOUDER THAN THE TRUTH

This week we look at clearing out the lies so that we have SPACE for the truth

Its funny the things we will say to ourselves that we would never say to another human  being.

We adopted Lily 7 years ago when she was 10 out of a special needs orphanage in China, the following story is just one out of many in her journey to healing. She has encouraged me to share with you, in the hopes that it will help even one other person stop believing the negative words our enemy speaks into our hearts.

 this past year Lily  began hiding again…..in her room or on her phone, She is an introvert so this is her go to defense mechanism. She also started not making eye contact, answering all open-ended questions with “I don’t know”,  getting very defensive when corrected gently and acting unkind to everyone in our family.  We have been here before, many times.  after a lot of prayer, I began to have a “discussion”with her about this behavior and more importantly, what was going on in her heart that was UNDER the behavior.   For over two hours I tried to  get  her to talk to me, she would not. So I asked her if she could  just tell me what she was thinking, I promised that she would not get in trouble, I just needed to understand what was going on so I could help her….silence… no matter how hard I pushed she would not go there.

so I pulled the mom card, I took her phone until she at least would write down what she was thinking. NOT because I am the meanest mom in the entire world but because I KNOW that The best weapon against the lies we tell ourselves is….

truth

I left the room, giving her space to write down what she was thinking right then,

here is a sample of what she wrote that day…

 

“I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I will never be able to take care of myself, I must have a horrible personality because no one likes me, i’m unwanted, i’m worthless, there is nothing good about me”

are you cringing? yeah, me too. But be honest, how many times have you told yourself similar things? Whom of us has not berated ourselves for days, weeks, or even years for the same mistake or shortcoming?

 what we did next changed everything….

we wrote TRUTH over those  horrible LIES

I spoke TRUTH over her

I’m ugly was covered with….. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE

Im stupid……I HAVE LEARNED A NEW LANGUAGE AND GONE THROUGH 10 GRADES OF SCHOOL IN 7 YEARS.

I will never be able to take care of myself….I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH

I am unwanted….I WAS BOUGHT WITH A PRICE

I am worthless……JESUS GAVE HIS ALL FOR ME

(What we wrote was a little different from what we said)

What I have found is that lies gain strength the longer they go unspoken, our enemy is the prince of lies, and he does his best work in the darkness.

My prayer for you this week is that you will have the courage to confront the lies , Expose them

so that JESUS can replace the lies with

HIS TRUTH.

HE longs to have total access to your heart, ALL  the broken pieces, because only then can HE do what HE does best,

put them back together again.

Be honest with HIM my friend, tell HIM everything, trust HIM with ALL your broken before you try to change your behavior, because, as we have already learned,

DETERMINING TO CHANGE OUR BEHAVIOR WITHOUT FIRST CHANGING OUR HEART ALWAYS SETS US UP FOR FAILURE.

Please, I am begging you, stop listening to the litany of lies that run through your head every day! stop the tape of destruction and replace it with a new soundtrack. one that was written by the one who CREATED YOU rather than the one who is seeking to destroy you.

HE IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU MY FRIEND, HE DIED SO THAT YOU WOULD BELIEVE THAT.

 

Lets start with Zeph. 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, (you are NEVER alone)

    the Mighty Warrior who saves. (HE is your  champion and is ready to go for battle for your heart.)

He will take great delight in you; (HE is not mad at you, HE is delighted with you!)

    in his love he will no longer rebuke you, (HIS death took away your shame, HE is not your accuser)

    but will rejoice over you with singing. (Can you hear HIM singing over you? listen for HIS loving voice telling you how much joy you bring HIM)”

read it,  believe it, memorize it, repeat it

your homework this week

I know you saw this coming

is to write down all the things you tell yourself when no one is listening…….everything that comes to mind, the good that bad and the ugly.  Then go for a treasure hunt to find out what GOD has to say about what you have been saying to yourself, where HIS word does not match your thoughts…….take a bright red marker and write over the top

HIS TRUTH

if you do not hate me yet I will see you next week 😉

I am writing this blog to  people who have a personal relationship with Jesus. If you are not sure you understand what that means I invite you to watch this video series by Andy Stanley. He says things so much better than I ever could.

 

 

Making space in your place

Create a place for yourself
This can be a corner, a chair, a closet, or even your car. the place does not matter. What matters is that it is YOURS.
mine is a rocking chair next to our fireplace facing out a window in the winter and the deck in the summer. I feel closest to God in nature and that is why I chose these places.

please understand, it is not about the space itself. my rocking chair is in the middle of our living room.  some days I have 5 min. to sit with Jesus and others I have an hour.
My Bible, devotional and Journal are always waiting for me there…..
But mostly JESUS is waiting for me there…

please hear me, this is not about checking a quite time off your list…. this is about finding SPACE IN YOUR LIFE FOR JESUS TO SPEAK HIS LOVE INTO YOU.
some days I just sit and listen for HIS voice, sometimes I read HIS word, some times I journal or worship or read and some days I walk right by our chair in the crazy of my day and throw up a prayer to the one who will be there waiting when I remember to STOP and LISTEN.

Do not fill the time with so much that there is no space to listen to HIS still small voice.
This week I would like you to meditate on these words from Proverbs 3

Trust in the Lord with all your heart  (HE is trustworthy, you can trust HIM with your heart)

and lean not on your own understanding (know that what you see is not what God sees…that you can trust HIM when you do not understand)

in  all your ways submit to him, (give him access to EVERY part of your life and do not throw a temper tantrum when HIS way is not your way)

and he will make your paths straight. (believe that as you seek HIM HE will direct you in the way HE wants you to go)

do not be wise in your own eyes; (humble yourself, trust HIS wisdom above your own)

fear the Lord and shun evil. (a healthy fear that leads us to make good choices is a good thing, listen to that still small voice that says stop, run, turn away)

if you have time this week check out this teaching about giving yourself space in your schedule.

finding space in the new year

It is a new year,

a new beginning,

a fresh start,

a chance to rewrite your story.

I love a blank calendar, so loaded with possibility!

What is your goal for the coming year?

does it involve changing a BEHAVIOR?

for way to many years this is where I landed….

and for way to many years I felt like a failure….

because

DETERMINING TO CHANGE OUR BEHAVIOR WITHOUT FIRST CHANGING OUR HEART ALWAYS SETS US UP FOR FAILURE.

so  where do we start?

how do we continue to grow without setting ourselves up for disappointment? How do we stop making unrealistic goals and having ridiculous expectations of ourselves?

How do you change your heart?

by giving it to HIM

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, God, and know my heart; (are you giving God permission to be brutally honest with you? ask HIM to show you your true motives)
test me and know my anxious thoughts.(are you acting out of fear? Are you filling every moment in order to avoid feeling all the feels?)
See if there is any offensive way in me, (are you acting out of  pride or self-protection?  In what areas of your life are you defending and deflecting rather than taking ownership of your own stuff?)
and lead me in the way everlasting. (Do you have an eternal perspective? is your main goal to have a closer, more honest relationship with Jesus?)
to answer these questions honesty you will need

 AND SPACE
Space in your life,  space in your heart, space in your Soul.
next week I will share how I began to find this space.

if you have time watch this teaching from church 3 twenty-one