Go to the zoo in the rain

The thing about the Zoo when it is 45 degrees and raining is that you are the only ones there to enjoy it. The choice to embrace the uncomfortable opens up a whole new experience that the comfort seekers never get to have.

Our zoo here in Toledo has a ton of wonderful inside exhibits too, A beautiful Aviary, a state of the art aquarium, a huge ape habitat,  a reptile house, a children’s science center and a polar bear/seal building just to name a few.

I recommend doing this with a group of good friends and LOTS of children. Life is better when shared in the rain.

COMFORTABLE IS OVER RATED…

Don’t get me wrong, I love sunshine and warm as much as the other guy, honesty probably more!….but if we are always waiting for the “perfect” moment to enjoy ourselves we  miss out on so much!

One of the highlights of my week is walking to Starbucks with Paul on sat. mornings before the kids get up (even if it is 20 deg. out) Many of our favorite dates are walks (sometimes in the cold and rain) and a simple take out dinner or game nights with friends and family.

20 min. in my rocking chair with a cup of coffee, my Bible and the company of the birds who come to visit our feeder can  bring me as much joy as sitting at the ocean with my feet in the sand……if I let it.

I hope you never have the opportunity to sit next to a friend in an oncologist office while her husband is being told he has a year to live, but if you do, take it.

I am pretty sure that doing hard things together is like glue to relationship. When we go through things that make us stronger next to another person something miraculous happens. The joke between my best friend and I is that in a span of almost 20 years we never saw each other where someone did not puke or go to the ER…..I am not kidding!

This friend has taught me so much about living life EYES WIDE OPEN for the beauty in everyday moments. she started a “thankfulness instagram” in order to keep a record of 1000 things she was thankful for in the year 2017, so far she has posted over 1500 times on her #20181000gifts page. believe me when I tell you she has had a VERY challenging 3 years. If anyone has a right to be angry, bitter, sullen and EXHAUSTED it is her….

Another friend has the most contagious laugh! She lights up a room…this is AFTER losing her mom to cancer when she was pregnant with her first child,  and fighting cancer herself in her early 40s!

They have learned to dance in the rain rather than wait for the storm to pass,…..and that has made all the difference!

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 in the Message Bible  says “Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.”

I don’t know where you are at in this process, you may be wonderful at enjoying the little moments. If so, would you share them with me on my https://www.facebook.com/facesofgrayce/ page? I would love to hear YOUR “dancing in the rain” story!

 “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.” Matthew 6:14-15 MSG

Unforgiveness creates a cell that only we hold the key to.

A couple of years ago I was deeply hurt by a group of people that felt deeply hurt by me.  There was no closure, no way to understand what I had done to hurt them, no chance to make things right or express my sorrow for hurting them.  I felt as if I was given up on, told I was not worth the effort it would take to heal the relationship…

I had no idea how to process that.

It was hard enough to process my own pain but my children were very hurt and angry….I knew that in order to walk this out with grace, humility and kindness I had to TRULY forgive, I could not fake my way through this!

After a couple of weeks of shock and tears I took a day to walk and talk with God. I was so confused and wanted to understand. I begged GOD to show me what I had done wrong. Instead,  HE told me that it was done, I was forgiven and that HE was able to heal my heart.  With HIS help I began to first forgive myself for failing a group of people who I loved and then forgive them for rejecting me for that failure.

I am so thankful that I went through this. I have seen HIS fingerprints all over the last two years. I have learned so much!  I am supposed to be where I am and that I would not be here if this had not happened.

We ALL get hurt. we all make mistakes, we are all rejected by people that we have invested in. This is not a  unique situation. In fact I am willing to bet that you can think of someone right now that has hurt you…..

Are you ready to forgive them?

I know, I know, now I’m meddling.

but really,…

Is there a situation or relationship that takes up so much room in your heart and mind that there is little space for anything else?

Are you waiting for someone to apologize to you before you forgive them? please don’t. Please do not hand over the key to your freedom to someone who may never use it.

We have all been hurt deeply, there are people in our lives that will never DESERVE or even ask for forgiveness.

it does not matter.

this is your story, not theirs and this is YOUR journey, not theirs.

Forgiving someone does NOT mean that you are saying what they did was OK, it does NOT mean you will necessarily have a relationship with them, it does not mean you are letting them off the hook.

It does mean that you hand it over to God and let HIM take care of them.

It has been said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

STOP DRINKING THE POISON

let me share with you how I was able to do this.

I wrote a long letter to the people who hurt me, I told them everything I was feeling, how hurt and angry and helpless I felt. I poured out my heart, cried a bucket of tears onto that paper and then tore it into shreds….

then I burned it

I GAVE UP CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION.

Have you given anyone too much power in your heart? Is there someone who you need to give over to God? If so can I encourage you to write a letter expressing all the pain they caused you, grieve what they took from you, and then hand all that hurt over to GOD.

then, if you have time, listen to this amazing teaching by Andy Stanley

http://northpoint.org/messages/starting-point-series/nothing-but/

http://northpoint.org/messages/killin-it/remote-controlled/

The soothing tongue is a tree of life, Prov. 15:4a

I want to be a tree of life for my family, I long to have that soothing tone that makes everyone feel better and makes them want to BE better. But my “harsh” tends to win out way more than I care to admit.

I wonder how many times I have missed an opportunity to give life to my family because I was too busy to stop and LISTEN……to many.

It is only by the grace of God that I did not miss this one…..

The day that Emma and I had our three hour heart to heart (see last weeks blog) I had a long list of things that I wanted to do, not the least of which was go sit by the pool.  I REALLY wanted to sit out in the sun on this beautiful day and I was so looking forward to quality, fun time with my girls.

It was SO HARD to give that up in order to have a heart to heart with my angry 13 year old. I can not tell you how very much I wanted to just leave her home and go to the pool. I am so glad that this time (NOT even close to every time!) I chose to listen instead of discipline.

unfortunately, in my experience, when our children NEED our wisdom, guidance and unconditional love the most is when their behavior makes it the HARDEST to give!

Asking hard questions and waiting for honest answers is VERY time consuming and exhausting,  I had to wade through piles of anger, most of which was directed at me, before she was able to be honest.

eventually she was able to express her anger at her birth mom, her deep sadness over being adopted and her desire to show her mom that she was worth fighting for.  I let her talk about all the feelings and thoughts she was having. I gave her permission to feel all the feels….

and I just listened.

I used this opportunity to express to Emma how valuable she is to me, how thankful I am that she is my daughter, but mostly….

I  listened.

separating my self-worth from Emma’s feelings of loss is so hard for me! I want my love for her to be enough. I want it to fix everything. It is so hard for me to enter into her pain when all I want to do is run from it, deny it.

There are going to be seasons in our children’s lives when they are angry, hurting, and hard to like.  It is our job as parents to love them anyway!  WE are  called to love them even when they do not believe in that love. This is so hard!

sometimes we need help!

And that is OK

If you are feeling more and more defeated every day, please let me encourage you to call in reinforcements. We ALL need help from time to time!  One of my dearest friends is a child and family counselor. the advice that she has given me over the years has been invaluable! She has listened  to me, encouraged me, directed me and prayed over me more times than I can count.

We have also sought the help of a psychologist, teachers, youth group leaders, friends, coaches, grandparents and even older siblings. Hand pick people to be your tribe and then be willing to ask them for help.

Being heard has helped me to listen.

If you have a chance please listen to this series. It is directed towards married couples but it can be applied to parenting in a beautiful way.

http://http://northpointministries.org/messages/what-happy-couples-know/sometimes-you-have-to-throw-things/

I found this TED talk very interesting, thought you might too 🙂

Pay attention to the space.

Fill the Space with Grace

 When  someone disappoints me it is usually because there is a gap between what I expect them to do and what they actually do.

What I place in that gap has the power to either fill my relationships with bitterness and anger or trust and grace.

here’s the thing, I have the power to CHOOSE which ear to listen to. I get to choose to feed the negative voice or the grace filled voice. it is MY choice. it is your choice too!  You can believe the best or assume the worst.

My husband has about 127 words a day and most days he uses them up on those pesky people at work. By the time he walks into our home and sits down for dinner his conversation bank is at ZERO.

For YEARS this made me hoppin mad. My expectation was that “good christian dads” led their family in devotions after dinner. “good husbands” asked about your day at dinner. He did not do these things and I created a narrative in my head that went something like this……”he could care less how our day went”, “he does not want to be our spiritual leader”, “if he really loved me he would figure out a way to communicate it better.”

YUCK!!! YUCK!!! YUCK!!

some things speak louder than words

I am so ashamed to tell you that my need to be right, my pride, let this go on for YEARS.  After one of our “you don’t care about my needs or our family” arguments I saw in Paul’s eyes a look of total defeat and despair that I will never forget.

The truth was that he WANTED to fulfill my expectations….he lacked the emotional, social or physical resources to do it.

I had a choice, I  could continue to demand something that he was just not able to give, believing that he could if he wanted to, he just did not love me enough to try. Or I could believe him when he said “I want to please you, I just don’t know how”

I chose to believe the best. and that has made all the difference.

It did not take away my desire for him to talk more, he knows I need words and he gets better all the time at talking even when it is hard.  Believing the best did not take away his responsablity to meet my need for conversation but it did take away the pressure of having to perform in order to be accepted.

please understand me, I am not asking you to be blind and pretend. Some issues need to be addressed and change needs to happen.  What I am asking you to do is to believe the best until you have no choice but to believe the worst.

1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that

Love ALWAYS

PROTECTS (looks for a way to keep love alive)

TRUSTS (looks for a generous explanation)

HOPES (refuses to give up hope until proven otherwise)

PERSEVERES (always looks for the good)

Choosing to believe the best in people has the power to transform every relationship in life. It has even impacted the way I process the actions of those I have never met.

Last week I shared with you some of Emma’s story, how she was struggling to forgive her birth mom. She had created a narrative in her head that went something like this. “My birth mom did not want me, she threw me away, she was not strong or brave enough to do the right thing which was to keep me.”

The truth is we will never really know what happened. What we were told is that Emma was dying from an infection when she was lovingly wrapped up in a blanket and placed in a basket on the steps of a medical orphanage (not in a crowded marked which would have been much safer for her parents).

I fill the gap with grace.

I choose to believe that Emma’s birth mom had two choices, she could hold her sweet daughter in her arms until she died, or she could give her up and give her a chance to live.  I am angry at a system that made her make that horrible choice, but I love her dearly for making it.

I was able to tell Emma that her birth mom gave me the most wonderful gift I have ever received and I will forever love her for it.

We can choose to do this in so many areas of our lives!

Until we are given no choice but to fill that gap with a hurtful truth we have a choice to fill it with grace.

if you have time please watch this lesson by Andy Stanley,  It was a game changer for Paul and I.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8qwIgZVi6o