As I look back I can see that having every moment of my life scheduled was one of the main things that kept me from seeing the things in my life that needed healing. I found out that the process of healing required me to
LET MYSELF FEEL THE PAIN OF THE MOMENT
My greatest desire was to love others well, but no matter how hard I tried I failed miserably. I could BEHAVE in a loving manner….for a while, I would be kind, put others first and try to not let my emotions rule the day but eventually there would be a kink in my armor….no matter how much I prayed and tried to become better at loving those who were most important to me I always fell WAY short and I felt like a failure. It was not until I began to identify the lies that I was believing about myself that REAL and lasting change began to happen…..because, as I have since learned
DETERMINING TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR WITHOUT FIRST CHANGING MY HEART ALWAYS SET ME UP FOR FAILURE.
The more I ignored the pain the more overwhelming it became.
when I was little I got a huge splinter in the palm of my hand. I did not want my mom to remove it because I was afraid of the pain it would cause to take it out, so I hid it from her. I kept my hand curled up, protecting it at all costs. A week later I was in so much pain I could not open my hand. This was over 40 years ago and I can still remember how badly it hurt, and how unhappy my mom was with me!
She kept saying, with tears in her eyes, “why would you hide this from me! If you had let me take it out in the beginning it would have been so much easier on both of us. I wish I could take away your pain but I can’t, the only way to make it better is to make it hurt”
Some of us have “splinters” in our lives that are DECADES old. our skin has formed around them and we have become masters at protecting that area at all costs. this looks different for everyone. we all have our “go to” defense mechanisms…..pride, anger, depression, approval addiction, over achievement, co-dependency, self-protection, substance abuse…..this list is endless.
I have always read 1 cor. 13 as a list of things that I need to strive for in order to love like JESUS. (which is not wrong)
But lately I have been reading it as a description of how HE loves US,
I wonder what would happen if we believed that JESUS loves us this way. Would if make us more willing to trust HIM with all the hurting places in our lives? I wonder what it would look like if we took the time to open our hearts and let HIM get to work at combating the lies we believe.
This is a little bit of what this 11 year process has looked like for me
In the beginning of this journey I became aware that my need for control was hurting everyone around me, so I began the process of giving that up, that process led me to see that the need for control was fed by my desire for perfection, then I began to see that the reason I wanted everything perfect is because I felt unlovable unless I was wonderful, which was driven by pride so I confessed my pride and began to seek out wisdom on how to be humble, then I saw that the reason I protected myself with a shell of pride was because my heart believed from a very early age that it was my responsibility “fix” everyone and if I couldn’t I had no worth. As I was able to peel back each of these layers the glass wall I had built around myself began to get thinner and thinner.
obviously this will look different for all of us. I will share some of the details of my story next week but first I want you to have a chance to pray about what YOUR story is. What are the splinters that you need to give GOD time to get out? a hurt from your past, a “no” from GOD that you are not willing to hear, a sin that you have rationalized? A grief you have not let yourself enter into?
Some of you have really big hurts in your past and you are going to need someone to walk through this with you. find someone who has gone through what you are going through and found healing on the other side. Perhaps you need to find a good christian counselor in your area. Let me encourage you, whatever steps you take to find healing, it will be
SO WORTH IT!
we are complex humans, this is not a one week process. but a lifelong habit of giving our selves SPACE in our schedules to seek out answers to hard questions.
please watch this teaching by a licensed counselor, I believe it’s a perfect set up for next weeks lesson.