A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Prov. 15:1
When I am busy and distracted I tend to lose my “gentle” and find my “harsh” It NEVER seems to fail that kids are the neediest when I am the busiest….
The soothing tongue is a tree of life, Prov. 15:4a
I want to be a tree of life for my family, I long to have that soothing tone that makes everyone feel better and makes them want to BE better. But my “harsh” tends to win out way more than I care to admit.
I wonder how many times I have missed an opportunity to give life to my family because I was too busy to stop and LISTEN……to many.
It is only by the grace of God that I did not miss this one…..
The day that Emma and I had our three hour heart to heart (see last weeks blog) I had a long list of things that I wanted to do, not the least of which was go sit by the pool. I REALLY wanted to sit out in the sun on this beautiful day and I was so looking forward to quality, fun time with my girls.
It was SO HARD to give that up in order to have a heart to heart with my angry 13 year old. I can not tell you how very much I wanted to just leave her home and go to the pool. I am so glad that this time (NOT even close to every time!) I chose to listen instead of discipline.
unfortunately, in my experience, when our children NEED our wisdom, guidance and unconditional love the most is when their behavior makes it the HARDEST to give!
Asking hard questions and waiting for honest answers is VERY time consuming and exhausting, I had to wade through piles of anger, most of which was directed at me, before she was able to be honest.
eventually she was able to express her anger at her birth mom, her deep sadness over being adopted and her desire to show her mom that she was worth fighting for. I let her talk about all the feelings and thoughts she was having. I gave her permission to feel all the feels….
and I just listened.
I used this opportunity to express to Emma how valuable she is to me, how thankful I am that she is my daughter, but mostly….
I listened.
separating my self-worth from Emma’s feelings of loss is so hard for me! I want my love for her to be enough. I want it to fix everything. It is so hard for me to enter into her pain when all I want to do is run from it, deny it.
There are going to be seasons in our children’s lives when they are angry, hurting, and hard to like. It is our job as parents to love them anyway! WE are called to love them even when they do not believe in that love. This is so hard!
sometimes we need help!
And that is OK
If you are feeling more and more defeated every day, please let me encourage you to call in reinforcements. We ALL need help from time to time! One of my dearest friends is a child and family counselor. the advice that she has given me over the years has been invaluable! She has listened to me, encouraged me, directed me and prayed over me more times than I can count.
We have also sought the help of a psychologist, teachers, youth group leaders, friends, coaches, grandparents and even older siblings. Hand pick people to be your tribe and then be willing to ask them for help.
Being heard has helped me to listen.
If you have a chance please listen to this series. It is directed towards married couples but it can be applied to parenting in a beautiful way.
I found this TED talk very interesting, thought you might too 🙂
Pay attention to the space.